“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
socratic questions
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.