👾👾👾
You Might Also Like
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?