📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You Might Also Like
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
mom had nothing to worry about
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.