[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
You Might Also Like
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is