😂😂😂😂😂😂
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
brian had himself a morning…
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.