πππ
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesnβt have to be you, but if youβre lucky, it will be.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father canβt.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
βWelcome home. I barfed over there.β
~cats
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. Iβm sorry ππππ
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: Weβre playing a game called βhide this bag for Daddy!β
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.