๐๐
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Iโm not saying I donโt miss my kids while Iโm at work but itโs nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours Iโm there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Schrรถdinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrรถdinger: Or do I?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
โYou gotta get me out of here, man.โ
โRelax, Monty, Iโm working on it.โ
โYou talk to my lawyer?โ
โYeah, the cops donโt have shit.โ
โOkay, good. Howโs Theresa?โ
โFine, her momโs staying with her.โ
โThanks for all this, Frankie.โ
โHey, thatโs what cousins are for.โ
When I say โwow, thatโs crazyโ, 99 percent of the time, it means I havenโt been listening to a word of your conversation.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I donโt like on the command, โhuh, interestingโ.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water