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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying