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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
⚠️ Important Reminder:
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?