There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
The struggle is real.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
This hospital has everything
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?