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This 4th of July, please remember…
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this