You Might Also Like
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”