Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
i really liked this one
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home