[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists