me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Today’s Times
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found