no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is