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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.