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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Yes
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Cake safety first. Always.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.