Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me