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Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
phew
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
every olympics i turn into this guy
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.