0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
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me before I type out affect or effect
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?