Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Safe words are for quitters.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant
10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.