@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

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@stevevsninjas

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@robin_991

Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant

@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@shutupmikeginn

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

@_ElvishPresley_

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

@sheseemslegit

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.