@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

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@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@KatMcSnatch

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@TheDweck

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

@serendipitydon1

Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.