1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant