1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work


Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.


If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.


SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”


Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.