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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me too
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active