Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@Muath_tu

If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

@vertdegrey

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

@Browtweaten

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

@Izianikapani

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”