1. Africa’s the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before

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[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?


If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.


No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is


Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.



H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter


*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is


Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom


There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much


Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.


I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”