[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
the rocks need my help
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.