[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

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Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.


If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.


Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.


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BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn


HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me


What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?


In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it


Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?