@dave_cactus

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

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@donni

“I have no advice. I can’t talk! I am a building.” -Prison advice

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@juliussharpe

If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.

@Iwriteforcats

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

@LMFOFL

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

@Shenanigans_luv

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

@awkwardphilippe

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

@SHOWERTHlNKING

What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

@RamblingMachine

In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it

@DannyDutch

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?