As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
A drum solo but on your face.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*