1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

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Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold


english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me: ok
me: what is a pald


The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.


[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*


Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!


“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff


The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.