1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.