Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
me: my hot water doesn’t work
landlord: not my domain
firelord: nor mine
waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS
me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work
waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.
[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]
CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.