@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

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@ProdigyNelson

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

@captainkalvis

me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber

@djdarrellripley

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

@gogglepossum

[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]

CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?

@3sunzzz

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.