@JermHimselfish
Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
@YourAnonNews
1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?
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@JermHimselfish
@ArfMeasures
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
@joeljeffrey
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
@PetrickSara
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out theyβre 100% not listening.
@just1fool
I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.
@DeadLioness
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
@nice_sugar_girl
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
@s8n
That explains alot
@badAzz_mom
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
@lgbk44
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze