Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Imagine being so rich you could afford the other monocle.
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: Me neither