Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?
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ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
That explains alot
………GO TO HELL!!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze