@YourAnonNews

1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?

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@JermHimselfish

Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

@ArfMeasures

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@joeljeffrey

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

@PetrickSara

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

@just1fool

I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

@badAzz_mom

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze