@markleggett
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.
@TheNYAMProject
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
@delmolition
Found an eyelash on my pizza.
Wished for more pizza.
@VikingJonesy
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
@JimmerThatisAll
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
@JessObsess
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
@man_spach
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
@KellyMeldrum
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
@CornOnTheGoblin
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
@Cravin4
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
@phxguy88
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?