1- Buy a big padlock. 2- Throw the key into the ocean. 3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes. 4- Attach padlock to earlobe. 5- Run.

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

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