@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

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@LifeAsBros

“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@beingtheo

This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@Discourt

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

@FaisalAdam_

I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”

@iwearaonesie

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

@weinerdog4life

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.