My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once