Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
1 Buy a racehorse
2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey
3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line
4 Win literally every race
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight
[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.
You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line