Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
No one :
Me when I swimming :
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite