@robfee

1 Buy a racehorse
2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey
3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line
4 Win literally every race

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@TheBigBatman

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

@KalvinMacleod

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

@ArfMeasures

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

@markydoodoo

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@HatfieldAnne

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

@FSUSteve

My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.

@arobertwebb

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line