1 Buy a racehorse
2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey
3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line
4 Win literally every race

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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?


Do you have to go to the bathroom?
You sure?
How about now?
[movie begins]


[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts


DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David


The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle


I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.


My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.


Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.


a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line