Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
relationship goals
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.