I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
2-fill with wine
3-get Capri Sun straw
4-never leave your bed again
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#SCOTUS one-star review
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago…
My neighbor thinks I’m generous because I gave her a bunch of stuff from my freezer. Actually I was just making more room for the vodka.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.