@McNevich

1-buy waterbed

2-fill with wine

3-get Capri Sun straw

4-never leave your bed again

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@KeetPotato

[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”

@Reverend_Scott

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@blade_funner

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

@thedadvocate01

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

@coffeeandvinyl1

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

@iwearaonesie

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this