[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”
2-fill with wine
3-get Capri Sun straw
4-never leave your bed again
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.
Barista: Soy milk?
Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this