1-buy waterbed

2-fill with wine

3-get Capri Sun straw

4-never leave your bed again

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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.


Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’



Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no


10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…


My neighbor thinks I’m generous because I gave her a bunch of stuff from my freezer. Actually I was just making more room for the vodka.


[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here


Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!


#bidenmeme #Election2016


When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.