@McNevich

1-buy waterbed

2-fill with wine

3-get Capri Sun straw

4-never leave your bed again

You Might Also Like

@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@mack44_d

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

@OakHill_

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@ItsMrWoody2U

Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…

@kwirkyKerri

My neighbor thinks I’m generous because I gave her a bunch of stuff from my freezer. Actually I was just making more room for the vodka.

@TweetPotato314

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

@3KidsNoJoke

Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!

Joe: WHEEEE!

#bidenmeme #Election2016

@lmegordon

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.