1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.


Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4


“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”


My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!

I love Sharpie markers.


What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?


If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions


me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO


Last night out at dinner my daughter ordered a salad… I likely would have too had I not passed out from shock.