@Anniewritess

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

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@david8hughes

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

@pakalupapito

Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@russhigher

My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!

I love Sharpie markers.

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

@shutupmikeginn

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

@PleaseBeGneiss

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

@sweetmomissa

Last night out at dinner my daughter ordered a salad… I likely would have too had I not passed out from shock.