@leslid79

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE

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@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@BritXNic

For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

@newLettuce

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

@JohnLyonTweets

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.