@leslid79

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE

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@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@ryanaboyd

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

@Smooheed

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

@kirstenmorry

Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!

@TheSuperiorPink

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…