Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE
You Might Also Like
Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.