I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Strange
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.