Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?