If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.