POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
1. Dial random number.
2. Wait for answering machine.
3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.
4. Hang up.
5. Happy Valentine’s Day.
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[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext
this guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.