@shkeeber

1. Dial random number.

2. Wait for answering machine.

3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.

4. Hang up.

5. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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@Diversion50

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@13spencer

If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.

@gabsmashh

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

@mommywhines

It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.

@JJSummertime

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

@jessokfine

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

@funflaps

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.