@MikeCanRant

1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet

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@BubblesnBooze

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

@lovemydogduck

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@Try2StopME

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@Kids_kubed

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?