@MikeCanRant

1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet

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@LuckoftheDraw86

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

@Gooooats

Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.

@TheReal_AndyMac

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, my Facebook feed changed everybody from political analysts to weather people.

@jazz_inmypants

her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that’s astronomy, and yes

@pittdave13

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit