1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?


This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program


Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate


My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.


They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.


A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before


What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.


hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are