@GrantTanaka

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

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@UnFitz

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

@beingtheo

This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@MNateShyamalan

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@bea_ker

My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.

@bigmacher

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

@InternetHippo

A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before

@LarkynSimony

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are