@GrantTanaka

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

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@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook

@Cheeseboy22

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

@scorpiusryan21

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

@Lazer_Cat_

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@simoncholland

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

@BigJDubz

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@OrangeFact

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy