1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

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I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook


When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.


Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?


*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.


You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.


I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”


Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack


Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…


Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food


Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”


ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy