@GrantTanaka

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

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@MrEd_EVH

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@ElleOhHell

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

@adamochoa

*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@Parentpains

She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.

Dating is bullshit.