I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
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My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.
*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.
Dating is bullshit.