1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.