1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*skinny dips into black hole
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁