1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Beware of the dog..
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler