This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
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Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m not lazy
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE