1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding