@ClichedOut

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

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@sixfootcandy

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

@tiffaynay

Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.

@NatetheEnigma

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

@ipalatsky

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cat.

Cat: yay!

God: you really love the humans.

Cat: yeah I do!

God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.

Cat: oh no! what should I do?

God: try giving them gifts.

[later]

Human: is-is that a dead bird?

Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!

@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@IHPower

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.