1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
That’s enough internet for the day
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Where is your GOD now????
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.