1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You Might Also Like
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶