1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

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Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.


We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.


I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.


Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.


I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?


My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.


When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells


Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What


*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.