1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*