@Donna_Gallers

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

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@kumailn

Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.

@ericsshadow

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

@TheCatWhisprer

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

@LauraSimis

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

@_RealBlondeGirl

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

@IDontSpeakWhine

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

@joeljeffrey

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

@Jamberee13

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

@SexytotheNorth

*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.