1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle