1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Vodka burrito was a success
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?