@rolldiggity

1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.

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@mommajessiec

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@iLikeCatShirts

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

@HairyJew4Life

Filing taxes is so depressing.

Do you own a home? No.
Have a spouse? Not even close.
Kids? Not that I know of.

Enjoy your refund, loser

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

@AudreyPorne

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.