Ok who’s got my black socks?
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*seductively corrects your posture*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.