1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.