1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Have kids, they said